I am a mess!

I have shut the computer down 3 times now, and yet I just turned it back on. I am not real sure why, other than I guess just to blog.

I am sitting here with so many emotions going through my head, and watching Army Wives. I am bawling my eyes out, which I usually cry every time I watch this show, but tonight, I just can't help by wonder if it is show that is making me cry or if it is just everything else. Maybe a good mixture of both?

Today is Mothers Day, and I am missing my mom like crazy. I would give anything to hug her and tell her that I love her, as I never did that before. For as long as I can remember, I was never forthcoming with my feelings towards my mom until it was too late. I can't help but wonder sometimes if she really knew how much she meant to me. I wish she was her to give me advise on all this shit that is going on right now. Actually, I can almost hear her now. Oh how I can only imagine. I wish so badly that she could meet Bob, and actually see just how happy he makes me, and much I have changed since being with him. For the better of course. He is absolutely the best thing, aside from Dawson and Keigan, that has happened to me. I know that she would just love him!

With that being said, I must give thanks to Bobs parents for bring such a loving, kind hearted person into this world, and to all of those who had a hand in making him the man that he is today. Even through all of the bullshit, part of me still longs for some sort of acceptance, yet I just don't see it happening anytime. I have been hurt, and I know that I have said some hurtful things, but then at the same time, I know I am who I am, I am not a liar, and I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I can admit when I am wrong. I am human. I don't have much, but I love with all that I am. I am NOT a materialistic person, and I never have been. I would never be with someone for their money, or be friends with someone just because they may be able to do something for me, or my kids. I try to let what people think and say about me, go in and out, but at the end of the day, I am human, and at some point I just can't help but to react. That old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt"...BULLSHIT! A friend of mine told me the other day that she thought it was "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will break my heart" and I have never heard it put that way, but that is now what I am teaching my kids. They say time will mend a broken heart, but just as when a glass breaks and you glue it back together, there is always a crack, and in some places, a little chip missing. The heart never fully mends. Not in my opinion.

Well, real quick, on a lighter note, Keigan made me a bowl of cereal this morning for mothers day. It was so sweet. As soon as her eyes opened she told me Happy Mothers Day. Dawson did not tell me until this evening, and only AFTER I said something about him not saying anything.

It is 11:08 and I turning this thing off for the last time tonight.
Good Night.